From the mind of Raze

Bwaaahahaha

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 00:36:03 GMT

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Friday I helped kissme_imgerman hide a body (-173 points). Last week I didn't flush (-1 points). In March I donated bone marrow to elzacko_186 in a life-saving procedure (300 points). In February I caught a purse-snatcher who stole sagoma's purse (30 points). Last Saturday I pushed mohawk_dave in the mud (-17 points).

Overall, I've been nice (139 points). For Christmas I deserve an XBox 360!

Sincerely,
raze-kun

I'm Back... for now

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 00:43:46 GMT

Well gang, I'm back for another exciting update... I think my last one was in either May or March, so I'm near due for one methinks. Anywho, gonna write out some of the stuff that happened to me in the last little while.
- My dad got his leg amputated, but he's getting really good at walking around on the prosthetic...
- My parents split up, and the day my dad was supposed to come back home, he moved to Cornwall...
- I have asked out 3 girls this summer, and was turned down by all of them, it seems I'm a really good friend
- Started up school, which sucks
- Went to Wonderland a couple days ago, that was really fun...

Well, that's about all the big stuff I think, unless I forgot something. But yeah, it's been a long long summer. I don't know if I'm glad that it's over or not, but oh well.

Went to this creative writing thing today after school, that was pretty good. That's actually the reason I'm writing this, because it reminded me of the whole livejournal thing.

Anywho, that's about all that's on my mind for now, so I'll look into updating later or something...

Bye

Grrr

Sun, 15 May 2005 04:30:44 GMT

Ugh I officially hate doctors... and really old people.

For those who didn't know, my dad was/is in the hospital. Infection in leg, needed it amputated, yeah. Anywho... Woke up at David's this morning, played some more Star Wars Monopoly *hands Margaret $20 ;)*, and then I went to the hospital at around 11:30-noonish, and we were told that my dad was high up on the list of surgeries for the day and would be in probably around 2-ish. I was cool with that, I figure, hang around with my dad til 2-ish for surgery, then go to Kyle's for the day, as was the plan. Then the damned doctors kept delaying it and stuff... so 5 o'clock rolls around =_=; Finally the Orderlies come to take my dad to the OR, then I go home, no point in going to Kyle's anymore, cuz my mom wants me to come back with her once dad's surgery is done... we eat supper, come back... some old guy who's like 91 (he told me this) starts rambling at us about wanting us to help him make a phone call to his daughter or some shit... couldn't understand a damned word coming out of his mouth. Then the old man (my dad) get's wheeled back into the room, we chat, then leave and come home, and now I've run out of things to do and am bored. I was so close to poking my dad's newly formed stump, XD. Anywho, see ya all later.

Thu, 05 May 2005 01:00:55 GMT

ok, I've seen this quiz thing a couple times, so I figure I could give it a shot. Here we go.

1. I think my last name is really boring
2. I have an obsession with wings
3. I'm 16 years old
4. My hair has been died 5-ish times
5. It is currently "Purple-Black"
6. My dad is in the hospital getting part of his foot amputated
7. I can't rememebr at any point in time my parents being split up, though I've been told they were once after I was born.
8. I don't believe in 'God'
9. I dislike labels, because the closest one to me is Goth, and people try to use that to tie me with Satan worshipping
10. My parents expect too much from me grade-wise at school
11. I have one older brother
12. He is 24 this month
13. Right now he's listening to Thornley, and I can hear it in my room
14. I just got a VCR in my room
15. I hate being single
16. I recently broke up with my girlfriend
17. She lives in Montreal
18. Long distance relationships suck
19. Two of my friends broke up recently too
20. I just remembered that another one of my friends had a break up not too long ago as well, around the same time as mine
21. I am very wary about telling anyone if I have feelings for someone
22. I am disgusted by feet
23. I am 5'11"
24. I am nearly failing two of my classes
25. I just changed three questions, because I don't want them up on this quiz anymore
26. This used to be one of them
27. Life is way too complicated
28. This was the other one
29. People annoy me
30. I hate hospitals
31. I wear black... lots of black, and only black
32. I often get ridiculed for wearing eyeliner and nail polish
33. People are idiots
34. I was put through gifted testing multiple times by my school when I was younger
35. My IQ was 148
36. I'm a near-genius
37. I was silent for a really long period of time today
38. Girls are confusing
39. A girl I met at a concert in my school seems to like me
40. She also already has a boyfriend
41. Her boyfriend is in my Science class
42. I'm really tired
43. I went to go spend time with one of my friends today instead of visiting my dad in the hospital
44. My mom is mad at me for it
45. I'm more than half way done this survey now
46. One of my previous girlfriends dumped me through an e-mail
47. This could have been alright if she were an internet girlfriend
48. We lived in the same city and had been over to each others houses, so e-mail was harsh
49. She dumped me for a bisexual kid who wants a sex change
50. She assured me the day before that they were just friends... ouch, what a lie.
51. I need to lose weight
52. Way too many people at school dislike me
53. I don't like it when people are overly popular
54. I could say something hilarious and no one would laugh... Some overly popular person could say the same thing later in the same tone of voice and everything, and everyone would laugh hysterically
55. Sometimes I hate being me
56. Recently have been those days
57. I once almost killed myself
58. I had a knife to my own throat for 30min debating whether to do it or not
59. I don't like it when people don't like me
60. I can get embarrased really easily
61. When I lie, my ears start burning and turn red
62. I'm afraid of two things
63. One if heights
64. The other is rejection
65. I once had a crush on the same girl for three years, without asking her out once
66. When I did I was shot down real quick
67. I don't talk to anyone I was friends with before highschool aside from a few people
68. I like writing poetry or drawing when I'm depressed
69. I've been told that my poetry is really good at times
70. I've also been told that some of the pictures I draw when I'm depressed are really morbid and make people wonder...
71. I wish I had wings so that I could fly
72. I've wished for as long as I can remember to be skinnier/better looking
73. I grew up being ridiculed as "the fat kid"
74. I used to have to go to anger management
75. In grade 4 I literally dragged my gym teacher more than half way across the school field to get to a kid who punched me
76. I didn't have a girlfriend until near the end of grade 9
77. I've only ever had 3 girlfriends
78. Up to grade 8 I hardly ever so much as hugged a girl
79. Even I think that's pathetic
80. I have weird mood swings... ranging from hyper, to depressed and silent
81. I really like dragons
82. One of the few things I do on the computer is read fan-fiction stories about and anime called Naruto
83. I want to learn Japanese
84. I like swords
85. I'm running low on things to write down
86. This is the fourth-last question
87. I haven't updated my LJ in a while
88. Wow, I'm almost done
89. I hate School.

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 01:07:32 GMT

Now you can all learn about me! Yey!

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Ken
Birthday:	April 14th
Birthplace:	Cornwall Ontario
Current Location:	Oshawa
Eye Color:	Blue
Hair Color:	Purple-Black (it's what the box says)
Height:	5'11"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	German, French, English, Native American, Scottish, Dutch I think... that's about it
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Dark blue skater shoes
Your Weakness:	Kryptonite
Your Fears:	Rejection, being ridiculed, not being accepted
Your Perfect Pizza:	Meat Lovers
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	start a fuggin exercise routine damnit
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	>>
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Fuck I'm tired...
Your Best Physical Feature:	I have one of those? I'd say either eyes or hair
Your Bedtime:	Whenever I feel like it
Your Most Missed Memory:	I don't like most of my memories
Pepsi or Coke:	Either, I can't really tell the difference
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Meh, yet again, don't care
Single or Group Dates:	Single is nice, but group can be fun at times... depends on what you planning on doing on said date
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Oh look, there goes my interest... stares off into space
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	nope
Do you Swear:	Indeed
Do you Sing:	sometimes... not well, but I tend to if a song is playing and I know the lyrics
Do you Shower Daily:	Mm Hmm
Have you Been in Love:	Yup yup
Do you want to go to College:	yes
Do you want to get Married:	Yes
Do you belive in yourself:	Hmm, that's a tough question... I think, therefore I am.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	nope
Do you think you are Attractive:	not really, no
Are you a Health Freak:	lol, you wouldn't ask that if you looked at me
Do you get along with your Parents:	Most of the time
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yup
Do you play an Instrument:	sorta-ish... not much though
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Nope
In the past month have you Smoked:	nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	nuh uh
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	I ate like, half a box today at Kyle's
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	no
Ever been called a Tease:	Yes... not my fault though, honest, it comes natural
Ever been Beaten up:	Once or twice
Ever Shoplifted:	Yup, a Cadbury Creme Egg from Zellers
How do you want to Die:	bah, who knows...
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Video Game Developer
What country would you most like to Visit:	Japan
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	doesn't matter
Favourite Hair Color:	doesn't matter
Short or Long Hair:	doesn't matter
Height:	Shorter than me
Weight:	doesn't really metter
Best Clothing Style:	Non-prep or wigger-ish... God how I hate preps and wiggers...
Number of Drugs I have taken:	1
Number of CDs I own:	a couple
Number of Piercings:	none
Number of Tattoos:	none
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	Too many to really count
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

My how much I can do when bored and avoiding homework... lol

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 18:20:06 GMT

You scored as atheism. You are... an atheist, though you probably already knew this. Also, you probably have several people praying daily for your soul.

Instead of simply being "nonreligious," atheists strongly believe in the lack of existence of a higher being, or God.

</td>

atheism

100%

Satanism

96%

agnosticism

79%

Buddhism

71%

Paganism

63%

Judaism

46%

Islam

38%

Christianity

17%

Hinduism

13%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

Figured I might as well update for once, and this seemed a good enough thing to start up with again... I could have sworn I was more the third one, but hey, Atheism doesn't sound that far off either... *shrug*

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 19:04:02 GMT

Alright, I'm actually updating for once... everyone rejoice. I'm feeling kinda depressed-ish lately, not sure why. There isn't really much reason for me to be feeling bad, but I do. I have absolutely nothing to blame but it's driving me crazy. I want to be spending time with my friends and being happy, but even when I'm hanging around them, I have nothing to say, so I say nothing.

Single life sucks. I want a girlfriend again, but I have no idea who might be able to take up the position. Applications will be accepted by me in various ways... MSN and in person mostly...

There are a couple people that I think I like... but I have no idea if they like me in that way... even just a little. Hell, for a couple of them I don't even know if they're single or not. The fact that I like more than one person is part of my problem I believe... It's hard being interested in multiple people because then I never know which one I should ask, who I have the best chances with, who I might accidentally pass up if I go for someone else...

Life fucking sucks... it's confusing as hell and I never know what to do about anything. I have even less initiative to do work of almost any kind lately and my marks are showing it. I've finally gotten all my marks into the passing level, but they still suck. But school in general sucks, so that's no big surprise for me.

I really wish that I actually had something happen to me that would break this monotonous cycle that is my life. Nothing new ever happens... the people all seem the same, the same basic bullshit happens every day... There is no more variety in my life... Fun/Excitement levels for me have sunk into the negatives... if it were graphed then my time right now on the graph would resemble a deep vast valley... I'm sick of all this bullshit. It's a damn lucky thing that I'm stronger than all those suicidal people, or I would have gone long ago.

For a couple months now I've been changing immensely. Before I used to be loud, annoying, obnoxious... but at least I talked to people. I always seemed to have something to say, and regardless of whether I did or not I said something anyway. But now... I've started becoming cold, distant, quiet. I rarely talk to people on MSN unless they start talking to me first, and even then I don't say much. The only times I really have anything to say to people is when I have a rare surge of emotion over a certain event. I've been bottling up my feelings it seems, but I've become so efficient with it that I don't even realize it happening anymore. I don't even realize what my feelings are before they are taken in and smothered. I don't even know what I feel about things anymore. I think about things and my typical reaction towards it is apathy. I just don't care anymore. "Ken, if you don't get your work done in English you're going to fail, blah, blah, blah..." My reaction? "Yeah, I know... *goes back to not caring*"

All the not caring has made me even more boring/quiet/cold and distant than normal. Which brings us back to one of my beginning comments about this. Anyway, I've wrote more than I planned, and there is probably something else that I am supposed to be doing... not that I really care all that much... I'd much rather just sit back and read, trying to immerse myself in whatever I'm reading to try and pretend that it is actually the world I live in... that way I might not have as much of a bad outlook on this stupid excuse for an existance...

Later.

I despise this place, and nearly everyone in it...

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 01:21:34 GMT

I finally had to show my parents my report card yesterday. That went about as well as I could have hoped. I am now not allowed to go outside with my friends, talk on the phone, use the internet for long periods of time, or any other activities that most people would deem 'fun'.

My father was 'displeased' with my marks, to say the least. He was pissed that I barely passed an easy basic course like Careers... Very pissed that I'm failing English... and basically just pissed.

I rarely (if ever) hand in homework or assignments... I do not work well in class... I'm just not a very productive person. This showed up in my marks and now my parents do not allow me to do much of anything.

Marks:

Math: 73
Phys. Ed: 60
English: 37
Careers: 50

Basically, to sum up my punishment... The time I was given to enjoy the few things in my life that I actually live for, has been drastically cut down to the point of near non-existance.

I hate this place, I wish to leave, but I have no where to go and I highly doubt anyone would want to support me. Luckily this punishment will only last until the end of the semester (3 months-ish) and my contact with Emilie hasn't been completly broken off, or else I would have nothing left. ugh.

yes, I'm still alive

Sun, 14 Nov 2004 05:30:48 GMT

I am absurdly fucking bored. I've been sitting at my computer doing nothing for close to 7 hours I think now. I have been listening to the same 18 songs the entire time, all by either Gackt or Dir En Grey. I have nothing to do, and damnit I'm sick of it. Being bored sucks ass.

I have a new wish now. I wish I was as good at bass as Toshiya. Toshiya-sama and his amazing bass skills... he is my hero. I need 3 things... 1. The devilishly good looks of Kaoru, 2. The amazing bass skills of Toshiya, and 3. an amp --;

I have come to realize that Dir En Grey is the best band in existence... though with any luck it shall be overshadowed by D.I.E. Though the chances of that happening are unfortunatly slim.

Oi, Ryo-niisan, could you imagine us touring with DeG when we get really good? Oh man... that would pwn so much... wow, I'm nearly shaking from the though of it... I can just imagine it... Me and Toshiya playing bass on a touring bus so much that it shakes slightly... Ryo and Kyo screaming from either another room or another bus so loud that windows nearly crack... the others... being them... Kaoru being all cool over in one part of a bus... Die laughing at either Shinya or Richard... or both... Shinya and Richard... I have no idea what they'd be doing... Kyle off being Kyle.... Greg butchering meat or killing something... maybe poking roadkill with a stick

Anywho... >>

yeah, that's about it... nothing much else to say... bored as hell... ^^-b

Sorry ^^; Late again...

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 20:26:42 GMT

ok... a LOT has happened since I last updated... I could try and fit everything in... but that would take a lot of work.. so I'm gonna just do it half-assed ^^;.

I was talking to my friends Em and Cat online on Staurday... and Cat asked me if I had a crush on anyone... I said no, cuz if I said yes then I'd be pestered to tell her who it was :p.

Anywho, about like a minute later Cat said to me "I know something you don't know" so of course I asked her what it was. She said she couldn't tell me. Of course. So instead of just pressing that, I asked if she could at least tell me who it was that had forbidden her from letting me know. Yeah I know, I'm smart as hell, thank you. But, even though that was an AWESOME plan, she couldn't tell me that either... so I was confused. I, of course, had an IDEA of what it was, but I wasn't gonna get my hopes up at that point. So then, Em finally said something... she was like "Talking to Cat eh?". That furthered my suspicions of what it was... so I decided to just play ignorant and told her that Cat was frusterating cuz she wouldn't tell me. Now Cat asked if I had any idea what it was that she couldn't tell me... I told her I had an idea but I didn't want to say cuz I'd make a fool out of myself if I was wrong. Then Em told me that it was her that said Cat couldn't say anything. So with that little bit of info I went ahead and said to Cat "Em likes me doesn't she" just as Em said "I.. umm.. think that.. uhh... I like you"

Do you have ANY idea how much ass that one sentence kicked? It was like someone made the feeling of joy a physical substance, and handed it to me on a stick. I was like... whoa.

A bunch of stuff happened afterwards... me and Em have officially been going out for a little over a week now... I'm so frigginishly happy about that lol.

So, I wanna get this posted up so I will end with 1 last line.

I miss you Em, Je t'aime. *hugs/kisses*

placeholder

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 02:35:29 GMT

btw Em, I didn't get my update done in time before my mom yelled at me to go to bed, so I'll upload it and stuff tomorrow after school <3

BWAHAHAHAHA... >>

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 01:21:37 GMT

ok... Today was very eventful.

My morning started off boring... and I heard a song on the radio that made me feel somewhat sad and stuff... it's called Dry Your Eyes by The Streets. I reminded me a lot of the shit I've been going through lately. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/thestreets/dryyoureyes.html there's a link to the lyrics for the song. It's pretty good.

Anyway, after that I was bored and doing chores and stuff, and on my break (which I'm still on, I plan on not doing any more today) I talked to Chandra. That was the eventful part of my day.

I'm gonna just post up everything that was said in that conversation after a certain point. =).

Her: I love you Mary [238 Days Left] I miss you so much... says: well, he says hes over you

Me: talking to Andrew about me eh?

Her: yeahso Iwas RIGHT, it WASNT love

Me: riiight, you take the word of someone else over me? on MY feelings?

Her: ummm..YEAH

Me: well... meaning all offense, that's fucking stupid

Her: meh, I trust andrew alot, he IS a person who understands me, not one who justTRIES

Me: uh huh, I trust Andrew too, he's like my brother, that still doesnt say that he would be able to say something about my feelings more truthfully than me

Her: hew syas u said ure over me

Me: and yet I never said that. I said I was starting to get over you, never said it was done.

Her: um ok there

Me: I suppose I should thank you... you're making getting over you a lot easier right now. cuz you see, with my actually trying to get over you, the added support of you being about as bright as a burnt out light bulb is really speeding things along (Y)

Her: excuse me, but Iam an intellegent person, and just because your life isnt going to your plan doesnt makeme stupid

Me: no, but you assuming that someone would know better than me what my own feelings are, based upon something that he picked up in a conversation, which I just straightened out btw, that he just figured was what I meant, does make you seem very "un-intellegent"

Her: whatever, your just jelous because I havespunk and ambition and Im MAKING something out of myslef while your just left sitting there

Me: oh, an attempted insult. you see, I've given up caring what you say or think

Her: finally

Me: so what you are saying here has no more affect on me, though obviously the things I'm saying are getting to you :P

Her: well then I guess our friendship has no meaning to yiu either, goodbyeken, haveanice life.

Me: have fun

Ok, that's the conversation. See? Eventful :)

Upside, I can say now that I am pretty much completly over her. Go me.

That's pretty much all that happened today, so I'm gonna just end this here. Bye.

Life and my place in it

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 04:06:48 GMT

Hmm, how should I start this one off....

Life is full of hardships, which we have to of course overcome. According to my dictionary (it translates bullshit like this into what it really means) this means of course, that life fucking sucks. There is no way to get around that, though there are some who seem to get damn close to.

My day sucked. Hah, man is that ever an understatement.

Oh I know! I'll explain this in a metaphor... Ok.. imagine all my hopes dreams, positive emotions, and whatnot, are all birds... So they're all flying around in the sky all nice and stuff... Now, all the stuff that Chandra said before to me... those all became construction crews, working overtime to build up giant smoke stacks where they are burning garbage and toxins and a whole shit load of other harmful stuff. At this point, the birds are still flying, but they're coughing a lot, and some of them have lung cancer... Now Chandra says some more things, and the crews have stopped building... now they're cutting down the fucking trees too, so the birds have no more homes anymore.

Apparently, this was not nearly good enough... today, she came out into the fields herself with a fucking shotgun and a lot of extra rounds and made sure they all came crashing down. Then of course, once they were on the ground and not moving, she shot them again, gave them all lethal injections, drained them of all their blood, and then burned their bodies in a large bonfire. The ones she didn't burn in the fire, she cooked over it.

I was over at her house today... we were talking about stuff... I told her about my live journal here... and I told her all about what was in it, including all my sappy stuff that I put in there... so she asked "So that means you still have hope for all this then" so I said yeah, there's no point in giving up on hope right?

So, she asked what it was that made me think I still had a chance.

Here I will take a short break for you all to get the "Fuck that must have hurt"'s out of your system... yeah, yeah it did...

afterwards, when I had become silent and was just staring at the wall... she had the fucking nerve to say "What's wrong"?

She says something like that, which she also did explain that what I think it meant, is what she meant, so there is no misunderstandings here, and then she asks WHAT IS WRONG?!?

I'll tell you what's wrong! What's wrong is that someone that I thought I loved so much, could just come out of no where, say something like that, and then be so cold as to think that it wouldn't affect me at all. Like I wouldn't be crushed, and want to just die right there... That is what's wrong.

My place in this life... is to be an example of what happens when you love too much, hope too much, and believe too much. It only brings you pain.

Long overdue

Sat, 28 Aug 2004 06:57:51 GMT

I haven't updated in nearly a week, so I shall take this time at nearly 2am to write something for all my friends to see, comment upon, and whatnot. It might even turn out to be something deep, showing once again that I'm not just a carefree idiot who is constantly making jokes (although not always very good ones ^^;) and who is never serious.

I can be very serious when the time is right for me to be. Such as Thursday night. Wether you believe it or not Chandra, I was and still am completly serious. I love you with all my heart. I have never felt this way for anyone in my entire life. I don't know why I'm saying this to you here, as I haven't given you the link to my live journal account yet. I'm not quite sure when it is that I am going to give it to you. But, back to my train of thought.

Chandra, I can't even begin to describe how much I love you without sounding like one of those cheesy old 50's actors in the black and white romance movies that make everyone sick. But I don't know how else to describe this. These feelings that I have... They amaze me. It's like when I'm not around you, all I can think about is you, and my worls seems to be lost in eternal nightfall... but when I get to see you, or talk to you, it's like the sun has risen. I feel like nothing could possibly be wrong, because there you are, perfectly fine, and nothing else matters. But when you aren't fine... when there is something wrong, and you feel bad... it's like my entire world collapses and everything is centered around what's making you feel bad, and I just have to fix it no matter what. When I'm depressed, or just sad, the sight of your smile lifts my spirits, because how could anything make me feel bad, when you were smiling, being happy... It almost scares me how much I care for you, but regardless, it's the way I feel.

I feel... no, I know, that if ever you needed someone to be there, I would in an instant. I know that if there were ever something you needed done, or you needed to do, I would help as much as possible. I know that I will always be there for you, and that no matter what I will always care for you.

If this is not being serious about what my feelings for you are, then there is no possible way for anyone to be serious about anything.

Sorry to any of you that saw that as really sappy... I hope I didn't give anyone a cavaty with all the sweetnesss stuffed in there (my pitiful attempt at humour ^^;)but I can't help it... they're my feelings, and they needed to be put somewhere... at least this way, I could slightly edit my wording as I went along so as to not look like a complete fool, because being an incomplete one is just so much better.

A day in the life...

Sun, 22 Aug 2004 04:27:39 GMT

Alright, new live journal account... and I'm going to keep up with this one... *hides his crossed fingers behind his back* ^^;

I suppose I'll kick off this new journal with a recount of my latest dilemma, the newest updates on that situation, and tales of my stupidity throughout ^^.

Love is something that many people seek in their lives. It is a driving force that keeps us going in our otherwise boring, and quite often seemingly pointless lives. Once you have found love, it is the most amazing feeling. You feel like nothing bad could happen while you are with the one you love. As though the most impossible of feats is but mere child's play, so long as you still have that love to guide you.

This is what we know love to do for us. However, that is only the good points of love, which are often only experienced when the one you love, loves you as well. But, if the one you love, does not share those feelings, your world is turned upside down, you have no idea what you are doing, and life in general seems to lose meaning.

Falling out of love is always so much harder than being pulled in.

I am currently in love. Yet the one whom I love, does not feel the same for me. The feeling of diminishing hope that comes from that realization is a pain that I wish no one to have to bear, for I know it all too well.

But now I see I am babbling, and not getting to the point. Heh.

About a month ago, perhaps more, perhaps less, I was chatting with her on MSN. I had previously told her that I was in love with her, but at the time I was going out with someone else, and she was about to be. Bad timing on my part = stupidity. I told you I'd be listing my stupidities. Anyway, she suddenly asks out of nowhere, which is where most of her questions come from, why it was that I told her I loved her, when I didn't. I had tried to make it seem as though I wasn't interested in her anymore, which she believed, and that made her think that I wasn't telling the truth when I confessed my love to her the first time. Because of course, you don't get over love so quickly.

To her question, I simply replied, "What makes you think I didn't?" At this point she seemed slightly confused, and was asking me what I meant by that. I didn't reply at first, and when I did, I didn't directly answer her questions. Instead I said, "You know, it is amazing how much someone can hide, just by being silent about it."

This lead to some somewhat awkward conversation, but in that conversation, I told her yet again that I loved her. I meant every word, and if I were to say the same things I said that night again right now, I would still mean everything I said. Some "problems" arose though. It appeared that she was skeptical of relationships because she believed they would be a distraction to her, while she pursues her dream of going off to a prestigeous university for music and becoming an ochestral musician. I convinced her, or so it seemed, that I would not distract her from her dreams, because I myself admired the fact that she had such high dreams, and was actually doing everything she could to achieve them.

Of course, this is rarely good enough. We had other conversations about this and my world was finally looking up. It was as though I was living my life in complete darkness, and this hope was the light that would lead me out of it. It seemed as though I was getting through to her, and that she was honestly considering everything I was telling her about.

It was around this point in time where things went drastically down hill. By then, I had finally, fully realized what it was that I had done with my previous (and only --;) relationship. Even before my relationship began, I had loved this girl. But we were very close friends, and I did not want to risk losing that. I was too insecure to actually think that things might have worked out and I would not have to face rejection once again. So I formed a fake relationship to act as an emotional sheild, so that I would not have to tell my friend that I loved her. The relationship was not a fake to the girl it was with though. I used her feelings for me as protection against my feelings for someone else. I still can not forgive myself for that.

I informed the one I love of my realizations. This was when I learned that, at the time that I was having this false relationship, she had a crush on me, and was jealous of the other girl. This made me feel, if possible, worse. Not only had I wasted a perfectly good oppurtunity to receive feelings from the one person I craved them most from, but I also used the feelings of someone else for my own gain, and yet I lost from that as well. I suppose that is my punishment. Around this time I wanted to die. And it was not one of those passive feelings where I just did not care wether I died or not, it was the more agressive feelings that made me want to take my own life. Luckily I got past that.

Recently, I have had conversations with this girl, and things seemed quite normal for a short while. Then we started arguing. Almost constantly, whenever we spoke, it became an arguement. Most of them consisted of her yelling at me, and me being apathetic to it all and acting as though I couldn't care less.

She asked me a rather awkward question not to long ago. She asked me, "If I ever asked if you wanted to have sex with me, what would you say?"

This was a terrible moment. I had absolutly no clue what to do. There was no answer I could give to that that came to mind that seemed safe. If I said yes, then she would think I was a pervert, or that I only wanted her for her body. She could claim once again that it was not love that I was feeling for her, that it was lust.

But if I said no, she could have taken it as an insult. As though she were not good enough for me, or she wasn't pretty, or she was a bad person who didn't deserve that sort of thing. Or she could think I was gay. All of these seem bad. Most especially the last one...

Of course all the time that I was thinking about this, I didn't think of the "Maybe" option. However that would merely have delayed my answer for I doubt she would just give up at that point.

I answered in what I beileve is quite possibly the most extremly stupid way that I have ever answered ANYTHING in my entire life.

I said, "Yeah probably, but only in I had a condom with me *wink*"

I am still kicking myself in the ass for that complete lack of intellegence of any kind. I feel like (and undoubtedably am) a complete and total idiot.

She replied to this comment with "EWWWWWWWW" and a string of insults about my appearance, hygiene, and most other things that she could come up with. And yet she wonders why I have such low confidence in myself. Probably has something to do with those terrible thinking skills which led to my answer to her question (I still cringe when I read it) and the type of comments about me that she just made.

There have been up's and down's since then... mostly downs however. But I am still working on it. Most likely that is another sign of my stupidity.

I shall be posting more on this topic as it comes to mind, and as the situation develops.

Ja ne minna-san!